Just a girl from a trailer park.

The point of this post is to tell you one thing – Jesus sees the people that society doesn’t. I’ll share my story, then share supporting Scripture.

 

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I am just a girl from a trailer park. I grew up in a home where my father abandoned my family, and left my single mother to take care of 3 young children on her own. To boot, he never paid child support so we lost our home and our car. I grew up in the area of town that people don’t go to – and if you do go to that area of town you were most likely from a local ministry delivering something to a family in need. My neighborhood community was riddled with addiction, abuse, and poverty. The access to “better” elementary or middle schools was on the other side of town and the low income families lived on my side of town. We didn’t get to hangout with those kids, or go to those schools.

Most of us started having sex when we were preteens or teenagers. Most of us didn’t have dads at home. Some of us had moms who pranced men and substance in and out of the home like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (not my mama, though). Most of us started drinking and smoking when we were preteens. Some of us got in trouble with the law, some of us got suspended from school a few times a year. Some of us couldn’t keep our grades good enough so we got kicked out of school and sent to the Alternative High School (which was conveniently located on our side of town). Our grocery stores were Dollar Tree, and Save-a-Lot. Most of us couldn’t participate in after school activities because we needed to have jobs to help support our families. Some of us were forced to be the caregivers for our families because our parents didn’t do their jobs.

The bottom line is that most of us were raised in survival mode. The older we got the worse our coping skills got. And then some of us didn’t make it out. Some died from addiction, some wound up in abusive relationships, and some just gave up on themselves.

So, what does this have to do with Jesus?

Everything.

Do ya’ll have any idea how good Jesus sounds when your Dad is a douche-bag? Or a Mom who is absent? Do ya’ll have any idea how good hope sounds when you live in what I explained above? Do ya’ll have any idea how good a whole new life sounds when the life you know is barely worth living? Lastly, do ya’ll have any idea how good it is to hear that someone loves you, deeply cares about your life, and wants to know you?

It’s the best damn news you could ever hear. So yes, this little girl from the trailer park grabbed hold of that hope for dear life – and I will NEVER regret my decision. In fact, my relationship with Jesus has proven to dramatically set me apart from my childhood experiences. I have healed from things in a supernatural way that can’t be explained. I have had things happen in my life that can only be explained by the move of God. My life is not the same as many of my friends growing up – that is not tooting my own horn like I am better than them. It is a simple observation that something is different.

My friends from my childhood, or teenage years, heck even my younger adult years can attest that Alex is not the same. Something is different, and I’m here to tell you it is the Living God inside of me.

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In Scripture, it is very evident that Jesus goes to the people whom society doesn’t care for.

Let’s talk about the woman at the well. In John 4, Jesus tired and hot from a really long walk, gets thirsty. He remembers there is a well near by. It was the middle of the day so it was extra hot. While he is there, he just so happens to meet a Samaritan woman. This Samaritan woman being there at the same time as Jesus was not a coincidence – in my opinion. This woman, an outcast from her culture based on her sexual history, had to go get water at the hottest point of the day to avoid nasty looks and words from people (probably). Most people went to go get water when it was cooler at the end of the day. Anywho, Jesus meets her – a woman from a different culture whom it was taboo to talk to; a woman with a blatantly obvious sin history which is taboo anywhere, and he befriends her. Jesus goes to the people society doesn’t like.

¹³ Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 

³⁹ Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I ever did.” ⁴⁰ So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. ⁴¹ And because of his words many more became believers.

Jesus offers this woman grace. He invites her into something deeper. He invites her to take a look at her soul and what her heart truly longs for. He is generous in his thoughts towards her. He challenges her soul’s longing to be satisfied with something eternal and lasting – not shifting like the affections of a man. This is grace. Grace offers us the most generous benefit of the doubt gift there is. Instead of assuming she didn’t care about herself or truly being satisfied, Jesus takes the step towards her and calls her to the most satisfied version of herself. This includes confronting her sin – but it is done in a generous and loving way. Not finger pointing. Jesus speaks to her heart, speaks life into her, crusades for her when she can’t even wrap her head around a satisfied version of herself. This is Jesus. Jesus goes to the people whom society doesn’t like.

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I am just a girl from a trailer park. Society doesn’t really care about low income girls in trailer parks.

But Jesus did. He came for me.

He wants you too.

Fear’s voice vs a bigger perspective.

Full transparency, one of the hardest parts of this new season of my life is being without dysfunction. Being without it has been a breath of fresh air for my heart. My brain on the other hand is still getting used to operating at a higher level than just surviving. It is physiologically hard to rewire pathways in your brain, and boy do I feel that. Like on a spiritual level.

I still feel like I need to pinch myself sometimes. I often find myself looking over my shoulder waiting for dysfunction to come creeping back in. I find myself over analyzing people’s love towards me, and their kind gestures. I feel like I am waiting for my car to fall apart, or someone to die, or for me to break a leg or something. Just being real ya’ll. We all do it- so don’t even front like I’m irrational :).

Here’s the thing though; living in dysfunction my entire life has taught me so many valuable things. For example, I am resilient beyond my own comprehension. I’ve developed this attitude where I believe whole heartedly that life cannot, and will not knock me over. Like it just can’t. I will not quit. I will not sell myself short. So, I count dysfunction a gift in my life.

Dysfunction has given me the opportunity to have a very close relationship with fear. To be honest, the garbage I’ve seen in my life from poverty, and addiction to trauma makes me feel like I’m a spiritual thug ready to call out all of the brokenness that ties people down. I cannot unsee it. It smacks me in the face like a 2×4 and I’m ready to go to war with it.

My ability to be able to see these patterns (and be healthy after experiencing them) is God’s grace to my life. You guys, by all statistics I should not be where I am in my life right now. I wanted to show you guys a fancy research article, but when I typed “single parent household and poverty”, and “familial sexual abuse” into Google, there were literally scrolling pages of research articles to choose from.

My message is this- dysfunction and fear are weapons from a very real enemy who is out to win your heart, mind, and spirit. Here’s what the Bible says-

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“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Ephesians‬ ‭6:10-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

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So, how have I dealt with fear and pushed back the darkness in my life? First, God.

Here’s a little side story. God moved heaven and earth for me to come to a knowledge of Him. There were no dedicated Christians in my family. Then, my older brother (who was like my Dad growing up) just so happened to start dating a girl who introduced Him to Jesus and he started going to church. He also just so happened to have the most godly spirit filled grandma who prayed for him his entire life. He’s also technically my half-brother so that’s why I’m saying his grandma, haha. But, the term half-brother just sounds weird. He’s my big brother. Tangent over. That orchestration for me to come to a knowledge of God was God alone.

Second, a continued pursuit of learning about God. I have always felt pulled to learn more about the spiritual implications of saying I have a relationship with God. I have critically thought about what that means, and evaluated why I believe. I cannot unsee God in my life, and saying that I don’t believe or feel pulled would be entirely untrue. So, I’ve stayed consistent in learning more about Him. I’ve done this through mentorship, small groups and Bible studies, serving in different capacities, went to Bible college to learn more about God, reading lots, podcasts, and challenging conversations.

Third, I have done loads of different counseling to confront what trauma has done to my heart, mind and body. Many different kinds. My progress in my physical health has always been tied to my spiritual healing, hands down.

Ultimately, I have stayed in relationship with God and not let the voices of a church’s influence, or other people’s sin impact who I’ve experienced God to be to me. I have been soooooooo hurt by the church. I have been sooooooo hurt by “God’s people”. But, they are not God so I will not childishly stop my relationship with God because of other people.

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Now, to get to the point! I’ve talked about what fear does and how to work through it. So what is the other side of fear? What am I learning?

I am learning that challenging fear’s voice and living without dysfunction opens a whole new universe to live in. Honestly, I feel like my life has just leveled up in vision. My dreams are bigger. My pursuit for what God can do with my life is bigger. Life just feels like I’m living at a higher energy.

Don’t get me wrong, combatting fear and dysfunction is still something I deal with daily. I have to sit with it and I have to set my heart before God daily to be able to live at this pace. Ya’ll, it’s hard. My brain is still adjusting to living on this side of health but really, the view from this side is amazing. I don’t want anything else. So, here are some scriptures that are keeping me going! Apparently, God has a lot to say about working hard, staying faithful, and having a bigger perspective. Go figure.

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“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” ‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also. Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops. Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything.” ‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭2:1-7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.” Hebrews‬ ‭12:1-2, 11, 13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” Colossians‬ ‭3:1-4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” ‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6-9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

My divorce is finalized.

I’ve gone back and forth about writing today. When it came down to it I realized I didn’t want to share due to what other people might think. And other people’s opinions controlling my actions isn’t how I roll. So, I’m going to share my heart.

Divorce is awful. What’s more awful is a dysfunctional, volatile marriage. A marriage where two people are heartbroken, and stuck is an extremely lonely and sad place. That was my marriage. We did what we could to salvage the mess. We did hours of counseling. We had mentors. We went to church. We did what was supposed to work. But, full disclosure, we were both too unhealthy. Neither one of us had enough personal health to be able to give to a marriage because we both had too many issues.

Now, I know full well that there are so many young couples floating around bible colleges or churches who are just like how My ex-husband and I were- too unhealthy to have a solid foundation but they are together anyways. And I am here to talk about why that has to stop. The idolization of marriage in the church has to stop. Using brothers or sisters in Christ for your own selfish reasons has to stop. In future posts I am going to focus specifically on idolization, but for now I am going to share my heart about why we just shouldn’t mess around with our hearts.

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If we profess Jesus is Lord, the bottom line is that that needs to be reflected in our lives. And for me when I was a broken 20 year old, it did not. It did not because my profession of Jesus stopped at my belief in Him. Read that again. What I mean is that there was little to no demonstration in my life that Jesus was Lord if I was really holding myself accountable to the boundaries in scripture, not my Christian peers or church culture standard. Read that again. Relying on other people’s opinions or support about whether or not I was ready for marriage became the foundation over scripture. And friends, this created a cascade of issues in an extremely broken marriage.

I am here to tell you that messing around with your heart, or someone else’s is not worth it. It may feel good emotionally, but it can potentially lead to an extremely broken relationship. When there are red flags in your dating relationship or engagement those flags will fly even higher in your marriage. If I could shout from a mountain top that chasing a relationship will not make you feel better, it will not make you better, and it will not fill any kind of void in your heart I would do so at full volume.

It is not worth it because picking up the pieces from something destructive hurts. Rejection and abandonment hurts. Brokenness hurts. A family being torn apart hurts- not only the people in the relationship but to those around you as well.

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My advice is this: do your emotional work before you even consider a serious relationship. Dig up your trauma and ask the hard questions. Do not rely on a partner to wade those waters with you. Also, if you can’t do the work on your own being co-dependent on another person to inspire you to do the work is not healthy. Another person cannot and should not be responsible for you doing your own personal work. If that is a pattern you see in yourself do some research on co-dependency so you can find freedom on your own.

Overall, my urge to you is just don’t. The pain is not worth it. The pain from my marriage will be a burden I carry for the rest of my life.

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I understand that there are many in the boat of divorce. What’s more, I KNOW there are many barely getting by in a dysfunctional marriage.

For those wading the waters of divorce, here is my encouragement to us:

Jesus himself understands the heartache of abandonment and rejection. Read what He went through in the events leading up to and on the cross. Read Matthew 26-27. Also, our hope and wellness comes from God alone. We are not defined by our marriage, nor are we defined by our divorce. Don’t let the enemy get a foothold on your identity. If you profess Jesus as Lord, you are a child of the most high God. You have a purpose here on this earth. You were created uniquely for something. Discover your purpose!

For those in a dysfunctional, seemingly hopeless marriage, here is my encouragement to you:

God sees you. I see you, especially those of you in the church. I see you trying to do the right thing by attending church and serving. But, it’s time to cut the charade. Your first church is your home. If your home is out of order, neither of you need to be pouring out into other people right now. You need to deal with your own heart, and getting to the bottom of what’s broken in your home. You need help. You need to pray for your spouse’s heart. You may need serious counseling depending on the level of abuse. You need a safe person, and a safe space to process all of what’s broken. You need a community that will not allow the brokenness to be swept under the rug. You need someone who will walk you through the truth in scripture and be point blank honest with you. All of what’s said above helps, but it is not the final answer for your healing. The final answer is that you need God in a very new and real way. Your healing and wellness comes from your radical pursuit and surrender with God. Friend, I promise you that I understand the torture going on in your mind. I also promise you that inviting God into the bullshit for real will save your life and your mind. The hardest thing for you to hear right now could very well be that you might not be able to salvage your marriage. I understand the fear that comes with destabilizing what you know. You very well may lose your mind for a few months. But, hanging on to something that is one sided will not help you. I was there. It takes two people to make something work. It takes two people doing intense work on their hearts to salvage something. If that is not your situation (which in your heart you know the truth) please open your hands to the possibility of God having something more for you – which does not mean another marriage to look forward to. God has more for you than a spouse in life. He has plans for you. And those plans are good. Friend, you are not alone. There are others here with you figuring this out too.

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Friends, be good to those you know who are in heartbreaking situations. Check on them. Feed them. Invite them to your home. Let them hold your babies.

We all out here struggling in some way. Be good to one another.

Everything can change in 1 year.

1 year ago this month I checked myself into a crisis intervention clinic.

My year prior to making this decision was the worst year of my life. I was empty. My body was strung out, my mind was barely working. My hope was gone. My marriage was destroyed. I was lonely, I felt forgotten and abandoned.

I sat on my bedroom floor sobbing, losing my breath, then unable to cry due to exhaustion. I did not want to move, I did not want to think. I didn’t want to feel, and I certainly didn’t want to cave and let go of control. I did not want to listen to the voice inside of me screaming “you are not ok anymore”. I was so paralyzed. My blank state alarmed me so much. Then the big internal alarm went off – I couldn’t imagine living anymore in the state I was in. It wasn’t plausible to me to live one more day that broken.

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The year leading up to this dark spot in my life was the hardest one I have ever had with God. Sure, there was my quiet time and the word, but His presence felt completely removed from my life. And that was new to me. Because it was so new, I wondered what was going on and my prayers began to change. As I opened my heart more to the idea that hey, maybe this is something going on with me and it’s a me problem, not a God has a problem with me problem, I began to see some patterns. First, I saw how much of my relationship with God I controlled. Second, I saw how much I controlled God in my heart. Overall, I began to realize my trust in Him was SO shallow, and definitely not built on any kind of firm foundation. It was all based on what I felt.

As time went on, the reality of fully surrendering weighed heavily on my heart. Which was funny because my word for 2018 was courage. In August of 2018, I received a prophetic word about how I was going to “make it to the other side” of this place in my life. When I received this word, it was water to my soul. All of the pieces were lining up, and I knew that it was time to have the courage to trust God differently than I ever had. After I received this word, I remember so clearly knowing it was God. How? The person who gave me the word knew nothing about my current stage of life or my depth of desperation. They were simply obedient to share what God put on their heart. That was blatantly obvious to me – God has tended to catch my attention that way. So, I prayed the next day and I said, “God, give me a book and a person. And I will do the work to get to the other side, I’m ready.”

God provided. He gave me a book and a person. And this last year has been the wildest ride of my entire life.

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As I sit and reflect on the past year of my life, I literally cannot wrap my head around how healthy I am. I cannot wrap my head around the peace in my spirit. I cannot wrap my head around the joy in my heart from knowing how loved I am by God. My jaw could hit the floor when I think of God’s patience with me, His kindness to me, and His consistency towards me. None of this is church based Christianeese. I literally am in awe over the power of God to love me in truth, and love me towards freedom and wholeness.

Friends, I am writing to encourage your heart with simple words- small moments of surrender count. Also, everything can change in 1 year. I never understood what it meant when people talked about their entire life changing from purely knowing Jesus. Bottom line, when you know Jesus, you change. Knowing Him is life. Really, I cannot explain it another way. Ya’ll just gotta try it yaself.

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“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

“Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 9:24

Do the work.

“Thus says the Lord to the men of Judah and Jerusalem: Break up your fallow ground, and sow not among thorns. Circumcise yourselves to the Lord; remove the foreskin of your hearts; least my wrath go forth like fire, and burn with none to quench it, because of the evil of your deeds”. Jeremiah 4:3-4

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Here’s some context details- Jeremiah was a prophet and he was very young prophet. So young in fact he was still financially and physically dependent on his parents when he received his call to be a prophet. Talk about a hard thing to do. What’s more, Jeremiah’s call was not a fun one. He is known as the “weeping prophet”, or the “persevering prophet” due to the weight of his message for Israel. His message was to a group of people he was familiar with (like a neighboring city close to you) to basically pull their heads out of their butts, or else. His message was not encouraging, and it can often be seen in chapters where he is mentioning how physically distraught and upset he is about what he has to say.

In Jeremiah, it is evident that God is upset, and hurt with Israel’s choices to choose everything *but* Him. The Father’s plea to break up fallow ground, and sow not among thorns is 4 chapters in to God pouring His heart out over His disappointment in Israel’s choices. Read chapters 1-4 closely. It sounds like a parent begging their child to stop being reckless.

The charge of this verse I’m covering in this post made me cry immediately when I read it. I read Chapters 1-4, and I stopped right after this verse. It was like a ton of bricks fell on my chest. Why? Because I am Israel. I am the wandering child who has made their own way. After I was done blubbering like a baby, here are the insights I gathered-

Break up |your fallow ground. Break up = do work. Get your hands dirty in the work like the work you are doing means something. Fallow ground = ground that has laid idle for a season; dormant, inactive. In summary, get to work on the inactive parts of your heart that you have allowed to become idle.

Sow not among thorns. This is said after the charge to get to work. Once you have tilled the idle ground, don’t plant the seed in soil where it won’t grow (thorny ground). Don’t waste your time doing the work and then go back to the same mess!

Circumcise yourselves to the Lord; remove the foreskin of your hearts;
Circumcision was a covenant. Talking about foreskin is weird. But, big picture, what’s being communicated here is a big deal. What I hear is be for real about your commitment to God and placing Him above all else in your heart and mind. Obviously there were contextual implications of this verse, but for application for today, I feel comfortable saying that my takeaway was appropriate.

least my wrath go forth like fire, and burn with none to quench it, because of the evil of your deeds. Y’all, we have GOT TO understand that discipline is a thing with God. He is Holy, and He has rules. We should shift our thinking about God from “God is waiting to smite me” to “hm, maybe my choices are stupid and they will have consequences and I am responsible for my garbage and the consequences are my fault”. Imagine if we lived in a world with personal responsibility!

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Challenge: sit with God this week and ask what your fallow ground is. Then, find a friend more spiritually mature than you are to get accountability for moving forward.

Hang in there friends, this ride of doing things God’s way is hard, but it is full of promise!

Next post is about discipline!

-Alex

To the person in a season of surrender and trust-

My heart feels your burden. My heart feels the weight of the emotions you go through in a day- grief, anger, sadness, and hope. I understand how tiring each day can be. I know sometimes it feels like no one else gets it. I know sometimes you feel alone for simply trying to do the right thing. I know sometimes you feel without support.

I know that in the chaos of your mind, hope (or anything positive) seems elusive. Friend, the burden of your heart is so closely tied to mine.

During this time, I know how far off the promises of God feel. I know how hard it is to wind yourself up to believe something when your heart is so broken.

If I could shoulder all of your pain and take from you, I wouldn’t. I love you, but I wouldn’t take any of this from you. Because you need this season. You need to make it to the other side of this. I’m here to encourage your heart with why.

Here’s some truth for our hearts and minds:

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“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

Galatians 6:7-10 ESV

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

James 1:2-4 ESV

“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.”

James 1:22-25 ESV

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We need this season because it is for our formation. We need this season because it is for us. This is an opportunity to go deeper, and to dig into more freedom.

Look at what Paul said in Galatians- if you sow from your flesh you will reap from your flesh, if you sow to your spirit you will reap from your spirit in due time.

James tells us to let the hard seasons produce steadfastness, and to not give up. Later on in the same chapter he tells us to not just hear that that’s important, but to do it. He tells us to practice steadfastness. What’s more, that we will be blessed in doing so.

So, friend, we need this season for our hearts. Being rooted, and grounded in spiritual wellness (and the word) is the best gift we can give ourselves. We become better when we keep our heart open to God. We don’t get better when we close ourselves off and choose ourselves- like Galatians says.

Surrender is a moment by moment process. You will have so many choices in a day to choose truthful investment in your spirit.

Remember, your act of surrender is an expression of your trust in God. If you find yourself unable to surrender any certain thing, ask God to give you wisdom as to why- He will show you because he loves you and wants you to be free of any hangup or coping mechanism that isn’t healthy for you (read James 1). And when He shows you, and you get the chance to surrender, I pray you take a step full of courage and go for it.

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An encouraging promise to hang on to:

“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.”

Psalms 34:8-10 ESV

Easter Reflection | Part 1

When Jesus had finished all these sayings, he said to his disciples, 2 “You know that after two days the Passover is coming, and the Son of Man will be delivered up to be crucified.” Then the chief priests and the elders of the people gathered in the palace of the high priest, whose name was Caiaphas, and plotted together in order to arrest Jesus by stealth and kill him. But they said, “Not during the feast, lest there be an uproar among the people.” Matthew 26:1-5 ESV

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Who: Jesus, Disciples, Chief Priests, Elders, Caiaphas.
Jesus: Savior, and Messiah.
Disciples: Group of guys that followed Jesus (in short)
Chief Priests and Elders: “Representatives of the Sanhedrin, the ruling body in Jerusalem, but not the full assembly” (taken from my ESV Study Bible footnotes).
Caiaphas: High Priest- Esteemed religious leader, basically a guy that has been appointed by the people because he follows the Torah very well. For an example that makes sense in today’s culture, local pastor Jeff Manion (example from my seminary student husband). Caiaphas’ voice and place of influence could make or break someone’s life due to the power of his influence. Not saying Jeff Manion would do this, lol.

What: In vs. 2 Jesus gives his final prediction for his death with an actual numerical time frame. In previous predictions, vs. 16:21, 17:22-23, 20:17-19, He never gave the time frame for when He would be “Delivered up” by those after His life. So, Jesus tells His disciples in two days He is going to die.

What: Passover festival begins in two days, the day that Jesus will be Crucified.

Passover was the day (in Exodus 12) that the Lord decided to spare Israel on the night of the 10th plague. He instructed the Israelites to do a few things including putting the blood of a lamb over their door posts so that “the destroyer” would literally pass over their homes, sparing their first born in their family.

• • • Now Days, and the thing that Jesus was talking about, Passover is a remembrance festival

What: The Cheif Priests and the Elders gathered to make a plan as to how to capture Jesus steathfully, and kill Him because Jesus was very popular and the Elders didn’t want to make a scene during an already busy festival time. (Paraphrased from ESV footnote).

Where: Jerusalem…specifically at Ciaphas’ house (the palatial mansion, outside of King Herod’s Palace).

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My heart takeaways-

Jesus must be distraught, in His humanity, knowing His death is right around the corner. He tells His friends that in just two days, He is going to die. I can’t imagine giving that news to my closest friends, “Hey, in two days I am going to die”. When reading this, my heart jumped a little bit because this is the first time that Jesus tells His friends in this gospel that He is going to die with an actual time frame. This jumped out at me. It puts an emotional pressure on the events to come. It makes the reality of the Messiah sink in – His death for my life. He is going to die for me.

Then, I see that Jesus is going to die at Passover. “What the heck is Passover, I know it’s a festival, but what actually is it,” I thought to myself….checks footnotes and is brought to Exodus 12. I was able to see that Passover is a festival in remembrance of the below-

“For I will pass through the land of Egypt that night, and I will strike all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and on all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgments: I am the Lord. The blood shall be a sign for you, on the houses where you are. And when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and no plague will befall you to destroy you, when I strike the land of Egypt”. Exodus 12:12-13 ESV

Passover is not just a festival- it is a festival in remembrance of the above event. Lightbulb moment! Which means….

Jesus is my Passover Lamb – Jesus is going to die on the first day of Passover. There is no coincidence in this timing, in my eyes. Jesus is the blood that covers me, and brings me into right standing with the Living, Holy God.

Journeying Health and Wholeness.

Hey Folks!

It has been quite some time since I have written. In short, 2018 forced me to scale back. I had to focus on investing in my wellness. A lot of things had to go that I wish I could have stayed, but there are seasons for everything. Life is resuming in a much more beautiful way for me in this new season, for which I am so thankful. So, I figured from this new place I would gather all my resources that have helped me get to this point of health.

This is not professional advice. I’m just a human sharing my experience, and the things that have helped me!

Buckle your seatbelts!

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SPIRITUAL:

To be direct, my worldview for wholeness is based in spiritual wholeness through Jesus Christ. I do believe that Jesus is the Son of God, as well as fully God Himself. I do believe He is the human expression of the Divine Creator, the Living God. I do believe the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ are fundamental to true life itself. I do believe He is the expression of all things life giving, and all things good. I believe that the Divine, Living God cares so much about humanity and the world He created that He saw fit to become like whom He created (Jesus) to exist in relationship. I believe that Jesus is the way to a life full of abundance beyond human comprehension. I believe Jesus is the expression of things in the Spiritual we cannot see. I believe in a perfect God, and the perfect love that flows freely from Him.

I have arrived at this point based on my experience. My experience of God has always been beautiful, and unique to me. I was not raised in the Church, nor in a Christian home. Honestly, for both of those things I am thankful. Why? I feel that my experience of God has been natural and personal, not religiously pushed on me. Despite not being raised in Church, or around very many Christian people, God still made His way to me and I can’t look back on my life and not see that. If you ever are interested in hearing about the ins and outs of that, I love sharing. It’s beautiful to reflect back and tell about the crazy ways God himself has moved through life to get to my heart- my true heart.

SO, based on how my life has gone I feel burdened to share my story and my life with others.

My spiritual journey goes like this-

Over the course of my relationship with God I have had these moments I call Holy moments. They are so surreal, and scary all at the same time. They are the moments that stop you in your tracks and you know in the pit of yourself that there is a very real, very alive God connecting the dots of your life together. These moments have illuminated the many ways that God has divinely placed circumstances and people in my life to get to my heart. Spiritual wellness has been so non-linear I can’t count or place all of the pieces together. But, what I DO know is that the order in which these segments of growth have happened has always been at the exact pace I was able to handle.

Over the last 2 years, being well spiritually has felt like training for a marathon. The last 2 years I have put all my energy into getting to the bottom of how I can be whole, and well. So, here is what I have done spiritually in the last two years as far as resources:

Spiritual Direction, Inner Healing Ministries through SOZO (Bethel Church), Energy Therapy with a licensed practitioner (this was a very, very helpful thing for me), Mentorship, Counseling with a Therapist, getting Chiropractic adjustments (correct structure in your spine allows your body to handle stress well), and these two books-Spiritual Direction by V. Lefler, Switch on Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf.

I tried so many things physically before I tried the above to get healthy. Everything I tried physically didn’t make a dent in comparison to doing the spiritual work. If you are looking to really take steps forward with your wellness, consider where you’re at spiritually.

PHYSICAL:

This has been a process, and I want to be abundantly straightforward. It has been 7 years since getting off all medications and working on my physical health nauturally.

Long story short, my medical doctor looked at me and said that she didn’t believe in the things that I was researching and that it would be better if I find a practitioner that was willing to work with me “in that way”‘, which was trying to heal naturally. I was dealing with mass amount of gut problems from the anti-biotics she put me on for acne, and mass amounts of reproductive issues because of the multiple birth control prescriptions she had me try over the years. To boot, the weight I gained because of being on Zoloft (which was 85lbs) wrecked me emotionally, and the cherry on top was the hormonal imbalances from the Zoloft. By the time I was 20, enough was enough.

Flat out, your body has the ability to heal itself. It is meant to thrive in the correct environment. But, when you do not give it the correct environment emotionally, mentally, and spiritually you will not live at your highest potential physically. Depending on the amount of stress in your life, your physical body will live in a state of reacting and panic. Type “stress and disease” into google…. you’ll want to crawl into a hole.

Here is what I have done over the last 7 years, and resources I have used:

Books:
The Period Repair Manual – Dr. Lara Briden
Taking Charge of Your Fertility – Toni Weschler
The Auto Immune Solution – Dr. Amy Meyers

Podcasts:
Well-Fed Women – Stephanie Ruper, Noelle Tarr
Dr. Caroline Leaf Podcast
PCOS Diva

Instagram:
@paleoforwomen
@pcosdiva
@drjolenebrighten
@coconutsandkettlebells
@drjoshaxe
@amymeyersMD
@nutritionbyrobyn
@paleochef
@izabellawentzpharmd
@endoactive

Blogs:
paleoforwomen.com
pcosdiva.com
draxe.com

Things I have Tried:
Whole 30, Paleo, Keto, Intermittent Fasting, Natropath w/ Reflexology, Natropathic Doctor, Sound Therapy, Craniosacral Therapy, Chiropractic Care, Nutritional Response Therapy.

*side-note, prepare to spend money, and still be disappointed when pursuing natural health. Just because someone has the Dr. in front of their name and they’re a natural doctor, does not mean they will be a good fit for you, or that they will help you. In my journey of natural health practitioners I have been sorely disappointed. It takes a while to find an intuitive practitioner. Also, it will take you awhile to find what you need to feel better. Did I mention money? Prepare to spend ass loads of money. Natural health is not cheap.

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If I am being honest, it is really hard to put my journey all in one place because it has not been linear.

What I have to say of healing is that every single thing in my life, and your life is connected. Having an open mind is paramount if you are really wanting to heal. I’m not talking about just feeling better, but really healing at the foundation of yourself. Healing is not for the faint of heart. It will be very hard work. But, the payoff is worth it.

Mindset it critical when healing because the journey gets gritty, and crap comes up that you don’t want to deal with. Ask yourself questions like: what do I want to be? WHO do I want to be? What kind of energy do I want to give to the world, and my environment? Only you know the answers to those questions, and it is important while you are journeying to keep them on the forefront of your mind.

It is also important to not be hyper vigilant. It is entirely possible to get obsessed with the end results and focus too much on where you’re NOT, and the health you’re not feeling. It is important to monitor the position of your heart. Hyper vigilance was my main mistake, and when I realized that’s what I was doing I was entirely at a loss. Questions started coming up that I never asked myself before, and it shook me hard. What I’m getting at is you have to have some kind of anchor for yourself to find balance. The human heart is full of deceit, and your emotions that you can be so sure of can run your life. You have to find something, or someone who will be a sounding board for you that will be straight with you about things that you may not be seeing. It is entirely possible to twist something beautiful (like faith), and make it a religious mess because of your own unhealth. I did it. And it is taking a lot to repair that mess. Just hear my heart, friend. Be careful. Be overly aware about your motives for healing. My hope is that in your healing process you don’t hurt yourself more, as I have done to myself.

From one human to another, life is freaking complicated. We are all a mess. Some people just hide their mess very well. It is entirely possible to hide behind an image of health and have spiritual insides that look like a garbage dump. Don’t be that person.

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Be whole. Seek truth. Give your life away to others. Do the hard work of healing. Our world needs more healthy people.

Challenge:

Ask someone you respect, or are afraid of (whichever feels hardest) what they think you could work on as a person.

Ask God to give you eyes that see, and ears that hear. (Read Matthew 13:1-17, 18-23).

Real Talk.

Let’s talk about what to do when life spins out of control and shit hits the fan, shall we?

Recently, I went through a season of loss. Everything that was anything to me was gone. The thing I prized the most was on the line too- my faith. I have never been in a situation that has called my faith into question. And trust me I have been in some shit situations. This past season was my hell on earth. I lost myself, and was completely without resource for helping myself for the first time in my life. I truly felt helpless. I was trapped with myself and my pain.

This season lasted for quite some time; the aspect of the season involving how I handled myself. At the beginning all I could see was myself. All I saw was the wrong being done to me. How invisible I felt. How righteous my anger and disappointment with certain people was. How wronged I felt. How marginalized I felt. How betrayed I felt. And how absolutely alone I felt. I was drowning in me.

This post is not to glorify the pain. This post is to try to give you a glimpse of how to make the crossover from the above, to better. Please learn from my mistakes, don’t be like me. Be better.

The crossover was a simple question, “who do I want to be?” One day it hit me- handle yourself. If my circumstances weren’t going to change, I sure as hell wasn’t going down with them.

I decided who I want to be.

I decided I want to be a woman who is deep. I want to be a woman who has a well filled soul so that I can give to others. I want to be a woman who courageously confronts hard things. I want to be a woman who invests emotionally and relationally. I want to be a woman who is deeply sensitive to the needs of others. I want to be a woman who can be looked to for hard situations. I want to be a woman who people can count on, and know will pull through for them as best she can. I want to be a brave woman. I want to be a resilient woman. I want to be a strong woman. I want to be a kind and gentle woman. I want to be a steadfast and undistracted woman. I want to be a woman who is known for her strength, and sensitivity. I want to be a woman who is a force of love, and patience. I want to be a woman that defends and rises up. I want to be a merciful, and gracious woman. I want to be a woman that life cannot knock down.

But you know what? I couldn’t be this woman when I was obsessing over my circumstances.

I had to shift my focus from my world falling apart, to stepping up and handling mine. When my focus shifted, something in me ignited. Something in me came alive when I decided to control who I become no matter what is going on in my life. That was a powerful moment, and in that moment I felt like a powerful woman. And this is because of one question, “who do I want to be?”

Life is so large. We make it so small when we focus on ourselves. It is so beautiful even in the heartbreak. Life is full, and the possibilities are endless for our growth. There is grace and raw authenticity inside of life’s shit circumstances. It may take a while to see it, but it is there.

In that place there is a very real connectedness to God. When you think you have nothing, ask the Lord to open up your eyes to what you do have and you will be blown away. The Lord may not part the skies and be abundantly clear, but trust that life is a process. We don’t always get what we want when we want. Did your parents always give you the answers when you were trying to figure out something hard? No. That is like the Father, but He is perfect and does what we need perfectly. So don’t get upset when you aren’t getting the answers at the pace you want. Keep your hands open, and stay on your journey. If shit is hitting the fan, let it. Change you before you try to change your circumstances.

And if your circumstances feel too impossible you have to make a choice. Only you can decide what your limits are. Books won’t teach you that. Friends and family can’t decide that for you. Only you can know when enough is enough. Only you can decide how to handle you.

God will not ever force His will on you. You have a will, and you have to use it to partner with Him over and over as shit hits the fan to heal and grow. It will be up to you how you use your will. Use it wisely!

A New Season.

How sweet it is to be loved by you,
Each wound, every tear.
You care about all my fears.

Your pursuit has shaped my life.
How I long to know the height and depth of the love of Christ.

In my darkest sorrow, drowning in pain, you’ve continued to show me the goodness of Your Name.

A Light bright enough to see when I was falling apart,
When darkness consumed me, You made a way to my heart.

My only reply to what You have done,
Is that You can have my life,
You are what carries me to overcome.

I wish there were words to explain my thanks…
Let the song of my life be your praise.